Monday, November 26, 2007

It is the Season

So it's been a while. Since May, from what I can tell. And luckily I lost all my previous posts when trying to do a little blog tidying so it's basically back to ground zero. Let's start with what's on my mind today, shall we?

My title implies that perhaps it is the holidays burning in my noggin today, but nothing could be further from the truth. That which is taking up my thoughts of late is that my friends and I have reached that time of our lives when we are due for a shake up (or a shake down as Danny Elfman might suggest). All I know is, outrageous things are going to happen to us and there is no stopping that freight train no matter how we react.

Death is right at the top of the change list. I don't know if I'm a cold-hearted guttersnipe or have simply managed to rationalize death, but I feel prepared for the fact that both of my parents are at death's door. Certainly, I hadn't expected to be so detached from that process, but that is where I am. My family has never, ever been good at pulling together for anything. To have believed that death would have done so was, in retrospect, an entirely foolish outlook. Sadly, I am learning my family is not alone in this behavior.

Several of my friends have lost loved ones over the last year. Really, it's alarming when I think about it. It got to a point where every time I answered my phone, it was to receive news of a mother or father or in-laws or siblings that had died. Being the empath that I am, that started to take a huge toll on my heart. I love my friends so much. Knowing they are in pain causes me pain. That's how I roll. And I couldn't keep going that way, so I started to look at what was happening from another perspective.

Cold as this may sound (and I know it will), we are at that point in our lives when parents are starting to depart our lives. We are all, now, at a place where many of our career choices no longer fit who we are, or have changed so drastically in the scope of our chosen fields, that we find ourselves careening into the land of the obsolete. Many of us believed with all our imaginations that we would be living in a house we own, all married, all raising children, all firmly ensconced in a job from which (if we played our cards right) we would retire. But for many of us those paths haven't quite presented themselves. Some have a couple of those trappings of adulthood, some seem to be nowhere near. Some are happy with how things have turned out, some are not. Still, no matter how you slice it, many of us thirty and fortysomethings are being faced with a landslide of changes seemingly none of us were prepared for.

The job market, I think, has been even harder for most of us to face. I think of my best friend who has been at the same company for more of the span of our 22 year friendship than she hasn't and am astounded at her ability to roll with whatever adjustments have needed to be made in order to enjoy such longevity. While she tends to bemoan her princess-of-nice facade, and the requisite expectations of singular dimensionality, I suspect that niceness has bought her a free pass to not having to be out there figuring out what the hell to do next. That and, perhaps, a less than exaggerated sense of adventure, but who could really blame her? Security has it's benefits.

Many of my friends, these days, have Entertainment Industry related jobs or careers (and there is a BIG difference between the two). For those of us who had "jobs" we find ourselves finally relenting to being too old to be considered maliable and cheap by those in the hiring position. For those of us with "careers" we are faced with the ever mutating and dwindling options the industry has to offer these days. Try as we might to roll with those changes, there is a constant wave of fresh, eager kids who can and will take less money, no benefits, and have no problem being treated with practically no respect in order to get their foot in the door. Those of us who have been there, are less apt to take half-witted orders from kids ten years younger and do so with anything that passes for a genuine smile on our face. We know what we're doing and we know how to do it well and that makes us a liability, it makes us expensive and it makes us less marketable. If you're not in a position of power in this industry, or on the inside with someone who is, being a thirtysomething still at the bottom means you are most likely done. For those who are still going, still trying and still succeeding, you have my most fervent respect. For myself, I cannot rely on the willynilly industry any more. Time to start taking some action.

Home. That one bites a few of us hard. Practically every person I am close to rents. And they probably will for a good long time, if not forever. The idea of my somehow amassing 500K to move into a tiny condo with no lawn, no patio, no separation between me and my neighbor whatsoever, is mind-boggling. I have been envious of those who have been lucky enough to live in a house for any length of time (rented or not). For my part, I have finally given in to the expense of living alone and will be moving in with a friend to share a condo. The ceilings are so low I can literally reach up and touch them. My room is so tiny that I don't think I could fit a queen bed and a dresser even if i had both those things. My bathroom is big enough, but once my cat's litterbox and food is in there, it won't be. But I will be saving $500 a month, I will finally have a parking space, I will finally have a dishwasher and laundry in the unit. That is as close to being in more of a "home" arrangement than I've had in about 12 years. Still I'm so resistant to losing my privacy and autonomy, right now, that I should be packing instead of writing.

I guess my point is to say this... life may not have turned out to be what we thought it would, despite our best efforts to get what we wanted. But one thing is for certain, we are at the time of our lives when all of these changes, disappointments, questions, upheavals and even deaths are supposed to happen. We are right on course. And hopefully, once we pass this phase, we will find ourselves in a place where, at long last, we can rest for a change. We can stop struggling, have what we have and enjoy it. I'm working on that. How about you?