On Guilt and Justification

Here is what I know… if you are truly guilty of something, there is no justification that will get rid of that guilt. It will eat at you, every day, every single day. You can tell yourself anything, give yourself every possible piece of logic as to why you were right to do whatever it was you did, but if you know in your heart you are guilty, no lie you tell yourself will change it. Just as you cannot justify it away when you deserve it; you cannot create true guilt in someone who knows and trusts themselves and where there is no guilt to be had.  But once it is there, it will greet you when you wake, and there it will be when you lay your head down. 

You can, of course, rid yourself of that guilt that you earned by making amends and doing what is right. But that does require you being honest with yourself, and... let's face it, not too many people are keen on that level of self-awareness.  Or you can continue lying to yourself and count the days until that finally eats away at you. The question soon becomes… which is more powerful; the guilt or the lie you told yourself to create your guilt in the first place? Are you greedy, spiteful, petty and malicious? Or are you good, kind, righteous and truly, genuinely justified in your actions? Your image means nothing to guilt. Your conscience will let you know what to do. 

… that is, if you have one. I do. Do you?

 

I See You

Like a lot of people, I have trackers on my blogs to see who is coming to visit, how often, where they linked off of, where they are… all kinds of information. I know when my MySpace friends are checking my blogs, when my close friends are, when someone landed on my page through a Google search or came through my Twitter. So I know that one particular household is checking my blogs every single day, sometimes twice a day or more and I'm not sure what to say to this person. So I guess all I can say is that I have not stopped being accessible via the phone. I have spoken to you whenever you called. If there's something you want to know about me, call because it looks as though you either don't think you can or you are looking for ammunition against me. Maybe there's some other reason you come here that I can't imagine, but considering how things have been lately, those are the only two I can come up with.

So if you're waiting for me to put out some shitty blog about you, don't. I won't. If you're hoping I'll say something about being open to talking, I always have been with the exception of a couple days I requested you leave me alone (and I wouldn't have asked for that if you had been open to talking to ME at the time). If you're looking for validation for treating me so badly, you won't find it here. There is no justification for it. Whatever your agenda is, this is kind of creeping me out, so I wish you would stop this. But I know I can't stop you so, I just thought you should know all of this so you can choose to spend your time more constructively.