You may have noticed, it has been a long time since I have blogged. It certainly doesn't mean that I haven't had anything to say or anything I wanted to share with you. Most likely, the reason I have not put anything up for a while has been due to the adherence to the concept of saying nothing, where there is nothing pleasant to say.
True, I have started a new job over the last two months. I am grateful beyond measure to have one in this current unemployment / economic status. Yet there are, naturally, caveats to my fortune. Because of the climate, I felt obligated to take the position despite a 10k pay cut (when I was already barely making it by with that 10k) and it pinches me… regularly. The other, less than obvious downside, is that now that I'm working, everyone I had to stave off when I wasn't is now holding one hand out for their money and shaking a threatening fist of credit-rating-meltdown with the other. There are, friends, considerable penalties for being poor (where once you had a reasonably stable financial flow). It is exhausting, but at least I have the funds to work with these people. That I am threatened, rather than worked with, serves as an ever burgeoning reminder of how this nation has lost so much of its heart and soul (and how much it sucks, sometimes, to be a woman – as my ex NEVER received threats of any kind when he had thousands to pay off and my roommate and I get a threatening letter from our electric company if we're two weeks late with our money).
Again, I want to make it clear that I'm not complaining about working. It is just that getting the job hasn't been all sunshine and lollipops.
I started my job just weeks after my mother was buried. To say that there is still so much I have not yet dealt with in regard to her death, would be a crass understatement. Even now, I regularly have nightmares that she and I are bitterly arguing over something I never saw coming (as was often the case with us). More to the point, she's yelling at me like I'm a festering boil on her butt, while I'm trying desperately to defend myself. That was our relationship much of the time, after I turned 12 and she would tell anyone who would listen that she adored me, was proud of me, and had no idea why I was so unhappy with her. There are no words to describe the frustration of having strangers tell me what a shit I am for not worshiping her. They all believed her. And now, members of my family (despite knowing the truth in full and vivid color), have conveniently chosen the same path of passive aggression. In some instances, the aggression has not even been passive, but rather full frontal. Explaining to my friends, who accompanied me to the funeral to lend me much needed solace and support, why my siblings made sure that there was no mention of me in the official service, was probably one of the most upsetting and humiliating moments of my entire life so far. If you know me, there's been plenty of humiliating and upsetting moments, so for this one to take the cake… had to be pretty damned bad.
Dealing with the death of a mother whose love and support and nurturing I desperately sought my entire life, and never brought to fruition, is taking a massive toll on me. That the rest of my family persists in carrying on that tradition of unwarranted disgust and resentment is sickening (except my father, who barely understands what is happening because the rift in my family makes no sense to him – or anyone in their right mind). But there is nothing I can do but suffer it, accept and try to understand it. That this is happening because of money, makes it all worse. Particularly when those who cry "THIEF" at the sound of my name, are the ones who are stealing a nest egg I have been promised my whole life, and worked like a dog to make sure I received. Trying to deal with that, along with my mother's death, trying to start a new job and get my dilapidated life back in working order, has aged me... has killed something off in me. I am sad in a way that I never knew I could be, and as Christmas draws ever nearer, my heart grows exponentially heavier.
To those who have heaped onto my already overly heavy load with your deceit, your misplaced rage, your selfishness and your greed, I am confident it will be your undoing. You genuinely deserve every sleepless night you are about to and doubtless already have had. I believe there is a Higher Power that watches over us all. I have no need to retaliate. That Power will not fail to deal with you in due time and I am more patient than you will ever know. Until then… stay the fuck out of my way. Because when I am done with this mourning and sadness, a new me will come forth, more fierce, more confident and more determined than ever before to live MY life MY way without any of your bullshit. I already feel it happening, like a ravenous lioness pacing in a cage.
Friends, I know that I am experiencing the changes we all must endure in life. There is no sense of my feeling like I am the only one with a heavy heart and a gut filled with stress. I know that death is a part of life and so, too, is the buggery that comes of familial strife brought on by the vagaries of entitlement. I also know that starting a new job is always stressful (it just so happens I started a retail driven job just before the most significant season of the year, during the worst economic climate since The Great Depression). That I am still standing after three of the most unimaginably horrible years is a triumph of will and a testament to the work I've done on my life. I may be bruised and battered and fatter than hell, but I'm still standing and for that I am truly, truly blessed.
If there is any reason I am wounded but not totally annihilated, other than that which lies in my own heart and soul, is now – as ever – completely due to the outstanding friends I have amassed. I will not name them (lest the Googlebots drag their names up when their bosses or clients are looking for dirt or drama). They know who they are. And they know, all of them, that I love them with every fiber of my being. You are, my friends, my best gift, my happiest day, my sweetest song and the best excuse I have to be better. I love you all so much… so very much. Thank you for your patience and your tenderness and your ass kickings and your distractions. I truly hope that soon, when we sit across a table from one another, you see me smiling back at you more than that far off distant version you've been getting. Until then, thank you for letting me try to deal with all of this in my own time. You utterly RULE!
Merry Christmas!
Sunny
