There was a time, about two years ago it seems, when you couldn't swing a crystal on a hemp rope without hitting someone who wanted to tell you about the Secret. My God, that was fucking annoying; particularly since I believe strongly in what the Secret is trying to convey and horrified that the message got lost in a rapacious fad that made the whole thing seem ridiculous. After a while, because of that, I felt a little ashamed to admit that I was still trying to follow the model for personal success and happiness. I feel even shittier that I lost track of something that was making me feel like I was heading in a good direction. Now, I need that positivity more than ever, and am finding it hard to call it forth.
I started a job last October that should have been, well… a piece of cake. With a mind toward getting myself back into school, I took a position that sounded as though stress would never be a factor, with a 10k pay cut (which would presumably help in terms of getting financial aid) and all for the expressed purpose of knowing that would be the foundation I needed to get through school at the ripe age of 40. Since that time, my job has been re-orged twice, and my responsibilities and duties have changed three times. My stress levels went from a pebble to a mountain in a snap, my work hours became ridiculous (and overlooked), I had no training and was expected to get up to speed immediately… most of which I did. In all that time I have been screamed at for the most miniscule reasons imaginable in front of more than just my department, scapegoated to an absurd degree, given a reputation I didn't deserve and then supposedly given a chance to prove I didn't deserve the reputation, while secretly, my new managers were having my dishonorable co-worker report on every mistake I made.
Not one to want to dwell in the negative, I have tried to look at all of this as a challenge, something to overcome and hoped that it would be enough reward to have the pride of knowing I did so. But it has become clear that any advances I make are being disregarded in favor of exploiting my mistakes. And in knowing that, I find myself accidentally and seemingly pathologically making mistakes that will only fuel their fire. At this moment, I fear that after this week, I will once again be unemployed because if it. Which brings me to think that if I hadn't lost my positive thinking, my focus on what I want and what is important, that perhaps this wouldn't be happening now.
Admittedly, nine months of torturous unemployment, losing my last remaining Aunt and my mother and taking a very unwanted trip to the hospital shortly before starting this job, helped me to lose a grip on my positive thinking and even if I don't lose my job this week, I know I have to start looking elsewhere. This position is clearly not right for me and not right for what I need to get back into school and take care of my future. There are still so many painful distractions that continue to pull my focus and I'm having a hard time getting back on track. But I'm trying. I'm trying to remember who I am and that I am not as miserable as this job is making me; that I have more to offer than purchase orders and being the target of blame-storming.
In that spirit, I am sending this out to the Universe… I want to find work that makes me feel happy and fulfilled, respected and well-paid. I want to work with people whose main concern is a job well-done, who are honorable, respectful, responsible and professional. I want to end my work day with plenty of energy to finish getting a degree, and start a new and rewarding career. If I must work while I do this, I want to work in a place that supports my efforts and elevates me.
I hope that if this cannot be immediate, that I have at least planted the seeds for some positive changes to come soon. In the meantime, my friends, send me any positive vibes you can spare. Help me to not let my foes kill my focus and my spirit.